A Trouble With Names
(Chapter 2: Three Elephants and a Spaniard)
By A.J. Smith
It took half an hour
to coax the horse out of the tree (coax of course meaning to resort to burning
the whole thing down). But they still managed to set out a good
pace. Jack rode Cat, and Vin
rode her horse Rose (Roses are red, Violets are blue...). Vin had actually met Rose's sister, Violet, and had seen
for herself the creatures dazzling blue coat. This was yet another
complaint that drove her to the gods. The two of them took a break for
lunch and one more so Jack could once more attempt to silence Fork-Knife (which
is why it had gone silent in the first place. But since the spell wore
off, it seemed to be trying to make up for lost conversation) which was once
more nattering madly away. And this added another complaint to Vin's ever-increasing list, the
complaint that silverware should never talk.
"So Jack," she muttered as she grasped for some conversation besides
the little trinket (insane or not) at the campfire that night. "How
long do you think it will take?"
His reply was eager and somewhat unsettling (and insane, always insane).
"I've just recently discovered that... er...
um... Ah! Fortune Telling! Yes, that's it! I've just
discovered that fortune telling is a trade! Want me to try it on
you?" While the prospect was incredibly alluring, it was also somewhat
horrifying (actually, switch somewhat and incredibly).
She went to bed that night, half happy, half sad, but utterly confused, after
the quick discovery of several things "destined" to be in her
future. She was to have a very long life span, death would follow her
wherever she went, and she would learn something called French along the way to
the gods. Not a thing about the current journey though.
The next morning, she woke the small camp up (and anything within a mile) with
a blood-curdling scream. Three gray masses loomed above her, all staring
down with sad, brown eyes. After several minutes of her cursing ad waving
Fork-Knife as though he was a sword, Jack managed to calm her down. It
was then she noticed the true oddity (added on to the obvious oddity).
All three elephants (as she realized now that they were) wore checkered slacks
and striped ties; one carried a strange black box with a lens attached to the
front of the box.
Jack cleared his throat to call loudly "Good morning... um... sirs?
Nice day, don't you think?"
A delighted reply came thundering from the center elephant.
"Yes," it said, "indeed. I'm Phil, and these are my two
traveling companions, glad to meet you, Mr.?"
"Jack, and this is Miss Vin."
The elephant, Phil, smiled a broad smile only an elephant could
accomplish. Vin was
near tears in bewilderment.
"You... you... you can talk!?!?!" She stammered.
"Oh, of course," rumbled Phil. "As the old saying goes
that everyone knows, 'an elephant never forgets.' And so, we
remembered."
"We know almost every language we've heard!" Quaked
another elephant. "Phil has a universal translator book! Just
take a look!"
Jack forced his way back into the conversation at this. "Universal translator?" He rubbed his
fingers on his chin, a mad glint in his eyes, and pondered.
"Yes," he mumbled, as thought speaking to no one. "That's
a wonderful idea... If I could..." he trailed off, leaving curious
elephants to hunch over him.
After a minute they could bear the wait no more. "A universal
translator is a good idea," guessed one, "What's a good idea,"
asked another, "can I buy some shoes?" said the third (they may not
forget, but they may not be smart either).
"No no," he roared back. "Universal translator? No, my idea was derived
from that..."
The elephants were all ears, but they interrupted anyhow. "A universal language?" "A
universal novel?" "Aliens!"
"What? No!" Jack seemed upset for some reason, but as he
continued, his ecstasy was apparent. "Universal
Novel? No, I'm going to create something marvelous, something
anyone can use! I will create the most awesome thing ever! A flying toaster that speaks Latin, German, Spanish, French, and
cooks ham too!"
The elephants were stupefied.
"What's a toaster," intoned Phil.
Vin took part by adding the
obvious question she thought should have been on everyone's' minds. "How does that have anything to do with a universal
translator?!?!"
Three elephant faces and one human face glanced at her and said in unison
"Isn't that obvious?" Suddenly, Vin was a nervous center of attention, one that had
no idea of what was happening, and one that was dumber than anyone else.
She shifted about in clothes that suddenly itched, and her face felt aflame
beneath the mask. She was happy when Jack intervened suddenly.
"Yes, a toaster! It's an invention of mine!" The elephant
nodded vigorously, wanting more. "You see, you put bread into it,
and it comes out burnt..."
"Why would you burn bread?"
"To eat of course!"
"But," said an elephant, "who would want to eat burnt
bread?"
"Well... Everyone of course! It's going to make millions
someday!"
"What is millions?"
"I don't know... but... it is going to make them! Look! I even
have the paten pending on it!"
"Patent pending?"
"Oh yes," Jack carried on excitedly. "It's another
creation that..."
"Perdon me (pardon me for the Spanish
impaired)," interrupted a raspy voice. This was when everyone
noticed the heavily cloaked figure that had suddenly appeared. The
elephants looked down, into the hood, and than took several shaky steps
back. Jack merely glanced into the hood and muttered absent-mindedly
about interruptions. "I am unused to the waiting." Jack
waved a hand and said it was nothing. The elephants were huddled together
now, and wide-eyed. "Could you ever be so kind as to help me
Senor?" It rasped.
"Why," Jack answered, "I'm always ready to help. Perhaps
you wish to learn about my new invention last month! Flupperware!" He
smiled mindlessly.
"Sorry, no," something about that voice set off an alarm bell in Vin's head. "I'm
actually looking for someone..."
"A god? Because..."
"Ah, no. I am looking for a Senorita Vinegar." Perhaps it was the Spanish
words in the slow winded voice, she thought. Or maybe
the cloak... Vin's
thoughts froze and singled on one. Did he just say my name?
"Ah, well," Jack said cheerfully as he pointed at Vin. "She's right over
there." the elephants all heaved one great
sigh of relief that felt like one sudden great breeze.
"Gracias," said the cloaked man, who turned toward Vinegar.
Now she too saw what was within the hood and collapsed to the ground in a faint.
"Oh," Jack stated, honestly surprised at Vin's "strange" reaction. "I'm
sorry sir, I don't know what came over her.
She..."
"It is alright," it interjected. "I have the same
effect on many others."
"Ah well. You're welcome to stay with us if you want, so you can
speak with her when she wakes back up. In the mean
time... I can tell you all about my...."
"Yes, Senor. I believe I will
join you."
"Great! I'm Jack, and you would be?"
The elephants gave the answer to Jack's question as one. "It's death," they squeaked (and somehow rumbled too).
"Please," Death said. "Call me Carlos."
"Carlos?" They asked. "What about the Grim
Reaper, or the Master of Darkness, or..."
"Ah si," said Death. "Carlos
has many names."
Chicken Scratch Home ~ A Trouble With Names Page 1
5/19/2003